Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jon's LiveJournal:

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Monday, July 19th, 2004
3:34 pm	posted rye bread lots of shit has happened since i last updated, heres a summary 1. got jumped 2. joined the gym 3. broke the sound barrior while masterbaiting 4. ozzfest i also met a few girls since then also, both online and offline lol. they are all pretty hot ;). of course i havent gotten laid since my last gf but my fingers are crossed. this one girl amy is pretty sexy and she is alot of fun to talk to, she lets me do whatever i please to her anytime ;). she is awsome mustard sauce ozzfest was indeed the best ever. titties everywhere :) plus black sabbath and the 3 blunts i smoked throughout the day was icing to the cake. i was invoved in a hatebreed mosh pit, oh thouse skin heads. i find it funny when the dudes run in and start kicking and punching absoutly nothing, it wrecks the idea, no one wants to get punched in the face lol. it was indeed a story of a lifetime, i felt 10 points more metal and 5 points more goth end it with a lyric! alamony alamony paying your bills! livin lovin shes just a women Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Led Zepplin - Livin Lovin Maid (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 24th, 2004
3:34 am	early morning updates, and stupid emo crap got in there somehow well today was fun, we took bobbys boat out and got high, then we came back and got high, then i got drunk :). It would also appear i havent gotten laid nor have I even hooked up with any girl since katie. It would appear that girls arent to fond of me for reasons unexplained...either that im a bumbling retard all the time or im doomed to not fuck again lol. In the end, i dont care to much, summer is finally fucking here and im just spending this summer smoking, working, and working out. I would have done football but in the end i realized that football just isnt my sport, i would get sick of it and jus not try, i dont care enough about it to put out that much effort, so why bother joining if thats going to happen? i should actually want to get up everyday and do it, not go "oh damint i got football" varsity is when u actually gotta like the sport, not just fucking around anymore, although im told they do screw around but its still alot of pressure. i would never play, if i tried i would, but i would never try my hardest cause i get sick of the sport. weight lifting is more of my thing, no pressure and i enjoy doing it, im not forced to do anything. everyone tells me i should play but im not gonna play cause people tell me to, thats fucking stupid. if im going to do somthing i gotta do it on my own. they say it will "earn me respect" oh boy respect, i played a game with a bunch of my freinds and now i get respect, i gotta bust my ass doing somting i dont like that much just for respect. of course no one respects me at all as it is, but i can give a shit really, i dont need a sport to get me respect cause i dont want it. way i see it, if a fucker dont like u fuck em. dont bother with em, dont let them piss you off, dont nothing. my friends may treat me like shit alot of the time but its not like i really care in the end, i mena i know they joke around, but they take it levels where they just dont stop all fuckin day. haha make fun of jon....for 5 hours...straight....its so funny. i mean it is funny the shit they say, but what annoys me is how are u gonna be a dick to a kid who never does shit to u? all my freiends think they can kick my ass, and for some reason its like some sort of issue or power trip or somtin. im not a aggressive kid, im not some tough kid who starts shit, im no thug, no "hardcore gangster", its my own opion that fighting doesnt lead anywhere except among the ignorent. although i know smart kids who can fight but they had to know how to fight cause of the atmosphere they grew up in. ive avoided confrontations with people my whole life, i never had a true reason to fight anyone, im not gonna fight a kid cause he "thought i was talkign shit.." or was "looking at him the wrong way" why bother with such stupid shit? i guess the truth about everything is...ull never know who your true friends are until u really need em, and the sad part is, i have trouble figuring out who my true friends really are. all my friends think im fucking stupid, or some kinda weak shit who they can just shit on. its complicated, cause my opinion about this changed daily, cause i change opinons way to quick. alot of my freinds seem cool with me but then all of a sudden around other people, they have a chang eof heart, its a sudden group activity to make a spectical of jon. why dont i fight back? why dont i hit? or complain?(of course i realize i am now) i dont know. none of anything really matters anymore anyhow, why should it? i guess what pisses me off is that everyone just assumes they can beat my ass just cause im nice to everyone and never hurt anyone, it really fuckin pisses me off thatin order to get respect u gotta ebat someoens ass, such a fucking stupid way to go about things. not like any of this really matters, as soon as people read this entry they are gonna make fun of me anyhow, lol. i deserve it probly, they could be just kidding around but theres a point when u question the people u know well. a lifes lesson i learned, most people are insecure with themselves enough to change tunes around other people, the person who is "most cool" if u fuckin beileve in that, and the sad part is that alot of people do, is that they follow or take after or agree with them, this doesnt apply to my friends persay its jsut a natural way of fucking teenagers, its still there in the adult world as well, nothing changes. dont trust anyone...i dont... and worst part about this is, i contradict myself by posting my thoughts on a livejournal lol, but i guess i jsut need somewhere to put my thoughts night fuckers Current Mood: blank Current Music: Jimmy Hendrix- Track 2 of Band of Gypseas (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 6th, 2004
10:46 pm	The evil within slowly...everyday...i feel that the world is really just a place where stuid animals fuck. Humans are always taking after other humans, it has been and always will be that way. Either it be language, style, anything, all taking from a predasessor. Even all knowledge taught in school is based on someone elses mind. Even if prooven true, it was prooven by someone else with that same idea. Sure they are facts, but facts based on a world that are FORCED to believe they are true. Everyone gets a mind set on whats "normal" "smart" werid" "sexy" "good" "bad" but its their opinion all the same. What if killing really isn't all that bad? We were grown up to believe it was bad, taught from the start that killing was wrong. But thouse ideas came from generations of parents telling their kids the right from wrong, but there can never be a true right or wrong. For everyone thinks one thing is wrong and one thing is right. In a argument with someone most of the time neither party accept to the others opinions unless forced to. A argument is just a battle of whose right and whose wrong. But neither is right or wrong, because a handful of people will always agree with the person they think is right, while the other group of people who think they are right will they the others are wrong. Therefor there can never be a true option of right and wrong. What if someone were to raise a child, completely out of any contact of any lifeform. No one to take after, no one to follow. No one to teach them whats right and wrong, will they develop these skills by growing up in a non-interaction of human life or any life for that matter? How far will the human mind develop in a enviroment such as that? Would it find a way to communicate with others? Chances are no, they wouldn't be able to communicate with antoher becuase they found a way not too. Any man could grow up on his own, but what if right from the start there was no influence, just himself. his thoughts would be true original thoughts, the question, would they be anyhting like our thoughts? hm... Current Mood: cynical Current Music: Aerosmith - Baby please don't go (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 17th, 2004
2:58 pm	As written by a 13 yr old girl OMG today was the worst day of my life, first i got water thrown on me from FABIO, OMG BFF <3 he is such a jerk! omg! i got so wet! but i got him LOL! then after that i tried answering a question in social studies and i was all like "its 3" and then the class was like "its one" and i was all lke "omg its 1 then" then the teacher yelled at me really bad I WANTED TO DYE, I was S0o0o0o0ooo0o0o0oo0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0 o0 o0o 0 o0 o0 o0 o0 o0 o0 o0 o0 o 0o0 o0 o0 o0 o0 o embaressed!!!! she though i was like makin a joke, its so unfair </3. then in english our teacher made us READ! can u believe it? i was so humilated omg! then after school SEAN OMG BFF <3 got my shirt all dirty, i hate him :( JK! OMG LOL! <3 i guess today was surly a IMPORTANT DAY LOL! right alan ;), well thats it, bye kiddos! <333 Studies show that AIDS causes cancer Current Mood: bitchy Current Music: New Found Glory - Hit Or Miss (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
8:50 pm	a test of life i come home from work and my sister is watching tv on the little tv next to my computer, not doing anything on the computer, the thing was off, but just wathcin tv, i asked her to get up and she said "NO IM WATCHING THIS" now i have 2 tvs in my basment, close to each other both working and in full view, one rests next to the comp for somone such as myself at the computer who would like to partake in viewing tv, the other rests infront of my recliner, i tunred this one on, now according to my sisters science, if she had gotten up off the chair her ear drums would have blown out and she would have gone blind, the nanosecond between tvs would have devasted her alone as well, becuase as we all know when one watches tv sittin down its impossible to get up or else FOX WILL KILL U. not that she was really watching anything important, american idle is just a excuse for retards to get a shot at the big time :), course alot of u may say OMG U CANT SING EITHER, nope i cant but i can assure u if i went on that show id go in with a thong and covered in babyoil, and instead of singing some stupid ass song, id sing old mcdonald had a farm instead remixed to jay z. though it would never work ever but the blueprint i drew up explains it all 0 |/ | + weed = THUMBS UP /\ me to end this post i give u a test i did on sarahs lj 1. Who are you? 2. Are we friends? 3. When and how did we meet? 4. Do you have a crush on me? 5. Would you kiss me? 6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 7. Describe me in one word. 8. What was your first impression? 9. Do you still think that way about me now? 10. What reminds you of me? 11. If you could give me anything what would it be? 12. How well do you know me? 13. When's the last time you saw me? 14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 15. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you? fill it out and send it back, OMG AND BE SERIOUS LOL! ...end trasmission Current Mood: indifferent Current Music: TV (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 9th, 2004
5:56 pm	An update to end all updates much things have happened since my last update. For starters, me and katie are going out now, although she is the one who got me caught techincally ^_^ but meh. I got a new stero but it somehow broke and i gotta replace it. Tv now reigns the basment by it being on the tv i set up next to my computer, thus allowing me to view my favorite programs without having to get up. I have also been playing Final Fantasy 11, which is as addicting as crack and heroine. in other news i did shrooms last friday, i didnt expect anyhting of em sept from what people told me and it was pretty fuckin cool. Jackies bathroom is pretty crazy on that shit and the trees were ever so green :). In bad news i have a sneaky suspicion that katie wants to dump me...reasons behind it i dunno. she sorta ditched me last night for her friend even after we made plans and then acted like i never asked. she said "somtin came up" but she said she went with her friend so that somtin was that she didnt wanna hang with me :(, she called me at 9 and by then it was too late cause she said she was all the way in huntington :(. Not to mention she seems less and less interested on the phone about what i have to say :|. meh maybe its my imagination cause shes never lied to me before or done somtin like that but i dunno. if it isnt obvious enough im not grounded anymore, after about a month of being grounded it was lifted before spring break. im still smokin and going strong :). i took the SATs not too long ago as well, them fuckers were annoying as hell but its done either way. hope i did good so i dont gotta take em again. now i draw the end of the post. good day to u all Current Mood: groggy Current Music: Ministry - So What (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
3:58 pm	WHAT HAPPEND TO JON Well i suppose to the people elft out of the loop might wanna know what happened on febuary 27th, 2004. It goes such as this It was a cold cold friday morning, I had woken from my slumber and gone into the shower as i normally do. I had my breakfest and got a ride from my dad. I then went to dix hills where i recieved frist place for computer maintenence. I then got into a convesation with some very pretty young ladies, one of which had some marijuana for purchase. I had taken the liberty apon myself to buy a bag from her. The bag was placed in my pocket for after school. At about 7th period i had shown the bag to christan and evan. Evan slipped the bag in his pocket as my teacher walked in. after the bell rang we went to the bathroom to relieve ourselves. Evan pulled out the bag for ALL to see as he examined the product. He handed it back to me and I put it back in my pocket. 9th period came, and what happened next will be forever rememebred. There was a knock at the door. My guidance cousler was there and asked for me to come and to "bring all my stuff" panic swept over me, i gave my friend christan a glanced as he tried to warn me of what was gonna happen. But there was nothing i could do, as i quickly thought of a way to hide the bag as we walked i realized that it was fruitless. They would notice anything i tried to pull. As we entered the princpals office they asked me if i "had anything i shouldnt have" so i pulled out the bag and come clean. If i hadnt done that i would be in much deeper trouble for they would have found it on me. They then proceeded to tell me what was gonna happen and that im suspended and all that. My parents however, werent home at at the time. I got home and hid every last piece of evidence on me. And so my dad came home. My frend and my sister stood by my side as i told my dad of my perils. Surprisinly he took it rather well he wasnt even mad. My mother however was more mad since she warned my of such situations and failed to listen. My fate was sealed! I am grounded till further notice and i have to do yard work while im suspended. But it could have been way worse so i am very lucky of this outcome. Friday night i did bong hits in spite of everything that happened. Fuck the world that is my tragic tale I HAVE A OZ AND IM GONNA SMOKE AS SOON AS I GET THE CHANCE :) (friday im smoking a blunt to the face late at night, i can not wait) as for the things ive learned out of this, is to be EXTREMELY CARFUL and that the law is really stupid for making weed illegal. i plan on destroying the world one day but ill just have to do it one day at a time :) ...and thats all she wrote Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Guns n Roses - Live n Let die (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 27th, 2004
10:40 pm	FUCK FUCK SHIT PISS FUCK SHIT FUCK i got caught by the man, he found eed on me now i got suspended FUCK! ill be smoking tonight (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 21st, 2004
3:21 pm	the update of the new begging last night me n andrew had out own little LAN party HAHA, he pased out on my recliner, i passed out in my bed, the internet fought well but the soul still burns. today i am going to smoke pot lol and get laid hopfully :) there will be updates on the situon the current idea of the LJ is to be live, so without further or do end thread Current Mood: awake Current Music: Mozart - O Fortuna (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
5:20 pm	Updated from the shadows I dont usally post in this damn thing, only thing i really talked about in here was the whole bridget thing lol, but now that thats done n over, moving on is what im doing lol. I signed up for one of thouse dumb online things were u meet people, i really only use to it to actually meet chicks who live by me, not girls who live all the way in fuckin i duno where. but so far i havent hung out wit any girls anyway lol, i was suppose to last night but...she never showed up, she said she got in trouble or somtin, i guess she was tellin the truth but she said she wanted to hang today and hasnt called me so im skeptical, i also dont care, if shes just fuckin wit me then so much for that right? haha, anyway things are going pretty good, smokin as always and havin me some beer :), haha. i have seen bridget around a few times since then but we really dont talk much, i said hi but she doesnt say it back or nothing so whatever. tonight it looks like blunts n beer :) (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 4th, 2004
9:11 pm	blarg today brought on some events, bridget came by my work place and gavce me my presents, we didnt really say anything but hi and bye, she gave me a kiss on the lips and left...in the bag with my presents was a note that said "sorry i couldnt find a card. thanks for everything, good luck with everything u go for, too bad it didnt work, i love u love bridget ps dont forget about me" sigh that was sweet, i can only give her my gift in return...i mean it still hurts of course im not fully over this yet but in a few weeks i will be, but its just sad that its all voer now, we had such a good thing but she wanted to end it...theres not much to be said bout it...the hands on the clock will never stop for anyone, thats why u gotta keep urself up to keep up with em, well bye Current Mood: blank Current Music: NIN - Super Mario Remix of Closer (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:36 am	ah well its good being single again, i can already hook up with a few girls as of now, im not ready to get back into a reltionship, not for a while so im just gonna play the field..so far ive bene havin good luck, lets keep it that way i got work in like 20 min althoguh i dont wanna go cause my stomachs botherin me cause i ate to much food last night...aw man Current Mood: happy Current Music: Rolling Stones- Jumpin Jack Flash (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 2nd, 2004
11:32 am	its voer well me n bridget are over now, she broke up wiht me as of yesterday right beofre i got on the train to copaigue...and i was absoutly fine with it. its time to move on now, i thought. then last night she imed me sayin she was sorry for any pain i ever caused her and that she wanted to break up with me like she wanted a bullet in the skull. i cant take it anymore man...i feel real bad now that shes havin second thoughts but she still doesnt know what she wants and there isnt much i can do anymore now...i did everyhting i could to get things to work out and all she did was just push me away from her and yella t me and tell me to fuck off, i kept tryin cause i knew it wasnt how she really felt but no i fgot the same thing voer n over n over, then she finally said she wanted to be with me so i waited and relaxed then she broke up with me and i just didnt care, i figured it was voer, so i debridgetized my whole area, got rid of the picutres i had in my wallet, tossed that bear she gave me in the closet, took her our of the profile, wiped her off my buddy list, deleted her number from my phone, got rid of any away messges, the whole thing, i didnt throw out the picutres of me n her, thouse are good memories i still want to have..but i just cant be tied down anymore, not now, she doesnt know wht she wants and i think its best for both of us to see other people or somtin, she told me countlessly we were only 16 and now i realize it, but her talkin to me and syain all that stuff i mean what the hell am i suppose to do now? she just went snow boardin with some kid..i didnt even know she new how to snowboard, she didnt tel me alot of things about herself when we were together...but i dont understand what she wants form me, she said she didnt want me then she said she did then she said she wanted itme then she finally ended it and i was hapy cause its settled, done, over, move on with my life, then she came right back in that very nght. i mean she told sean about how she coulda hooked up with abunch of guys and had fun doing it but she couldnt cause she missed me, but then she ended it...i told her i sorta did wanna see other girls..i mean what am i suppose to do carry a torch for her forever? i tried so hard to make it work and she just pushed me and pushed me away and rejected me, if all i was doing was just pissin her off then what other choice do i have? she told me she wanted to break up and i ddint say anyhting but ok and why...and then i stopped caring, why should i care about somtin i cant help? u cant make someone want u, i tried to make her see why we went out in the first place, and now its too late, she still doesnt know if she wants to be wth me and she broke up with me yesterday, so thats that then, i ant sit around and wait for her to tell me that she still doesnt want me, i have to move on, i cant really talk to her either cause im gonna get so confused, i might find feelins i ahd for her but then i might not want ehr..god its so confusin..i was so sure it was over and done with, i felt so realived and free, i didnt wanna ahve to worry bout her being upset about any of this, i dont want us to just be bitter at one another, i mean i still wanna be aprt of her life in some part, but that may not be best for now, were better off not together right now, i need to see other people..bridget was my first gf ever..i dont wanna be tied down again right now, shes been with lots of guys, i on the other hand havent...if we got back together it would be for good and right now i just dont wanna be with her, she should get out there and meet other people also, i mean i just dont want us to be bitter ya know? i like her parents also i dont want them thinkin that i broke up with her or i was cheatin on her and al this, i just wanna keep things friendly, no hate involved..mabey when me n her are more mature enough to handle a long term reltionship again it will work out better but for now im not ready to get tied down again, the only thing i want for bridget is for her to be happy, i want her to find a nice guy who will treat her as well as i did...but as for me? im just out to meet girls and thats that, what she needs is time alone from what she says and still being involved with me just doesnt help so its best for both of us to move on, i feel bad shes havin second thoughts but...teres nothing i can do now, i cant sit here and have my mind brtally fucked, i cant sit here and et "i wna tu but i dunno and i wanttime alone and i wanna break up and i want u" its so confusing, she broke up wiht me yesterday and thats how it is..i was absoutly fine yesterday..she wanted to thang out with me tommarow...i siad ok but now i cant, i just cant, s ddoesnt know what she wants and thats why i cant, i gotta meet other people, i have too, so as for now im single. well bye Current Mood: confused Current Music: dsac (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 29th, 2003
3:56 pm	woot well me n bridget are ok again..sorta...were still on a break but finally she said she wants me back but still wants time, thats all i really wanted to know...i just didnt know if she wanted me or not and it was drivin me nuts, now that she told me i can relax and enjoy this time to sit back and not have to worry about anyhting. this break made me realize that i shouldnt be so crazy with bridget...i guess since shes always gettin hurt i feel like i gotta look out for her..i mean shit shes my gf so it comes wiht the job but, mabey i shouldnt freak so much, sigh but now that things are almost back to normal ill do my best to keep myself calm. id explain the events of saterday about what happened but meh i dont feel like gettin into it really, bridget was drunk and so was i we like made out and kissed but she said we shouldnt go out anymore but then i dunno...but then online i said "well then i guess i better start talkin to toher girls since u dont wthink we should" then she said she didnt want me sein other girls so i asked her if she wanted me back eventually and she said yes...so thats that. tell ya the truth i usally mind her drinkin but i dunno why i did...i guess with that whole syracuse mess way back when i was edgy over, shes not a big drinker so i dunno, if shes around people i trust and people she trusts and knows good i really dont mind, sure id like it if she was with me but i dont usally do things like that with her. lol shes actually afunny drunk, she almost walked into every single obstacle on the side walk, if i didnt stop her she woulda hit every single one..shes cute like that lol..sigh, well im glad she isnt like me who loves the weed and booze, but ill keep it calm when she wants to drink once in a while, just as long as shes with people she knows and trust i dont have a problem, well i got work now, i can relax and listen to my led zepplin cd...in about a week or 2 at tops, ill be over bridgets again, given her my gift, and inflitating her new body wich will be a treat since i havent sene her while shes on this diet thingy, she looks great, but i have yet to see it in full action..if yua know what i mean ;) ;), right now if shes readin this shes rollin her eyes but, im glad shes still my girl, who else can love a perverted, computer lovin, pot head, muscle boy, looser like myself? shes the only girl for me, and now i can relax, well peace out Current Mood: anxious Current Music: NOTHING (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 27th, 2003
11:23 am	alright well i know what ur all expectin me to do, bitch some mroe or complain bout bridget, but im done with that now, nothing has changed since tuesday, she still hates me, but right now the only thing i want is us back to normal, sigh its hard cause i miss her but she needs times for whatever the hell she needs, i just cant wait to see her but ill wait, this break was for the best, time away from each other makes u realize what the other person means to u, i can forgive her for being so incredibly mean, i deserve it for the most part, shes takin it to far but whatever, let her get it out now, ill be ready to take her back when shes ready...cause i know she still wants to be with me, u dont go out with soemone for a year and just end it all over a lil somtin like this, i mean its little compared to other way worse things to break up over somtin, but whatever, let her do what she needs, i know she isnt cheatin on me or anything like that and she still loves me so, right now its good for her to get it all out, then when shes ready ill treat her to a movie and give her this gift i been wantin to give her, as for now, i gonna go eat my oatmeal, go to work, and smoke and have a few drinks with my friends and have a good time so bridget if ur readin this, i still love u and call me when ur ready ok? well if anyones readin this today, call my phone, see whats going down tonight...well peace Current Mood: okay Current Music: Pink Floyd - Pigs (Comment on this)
Friday, December 26th, 2003
12:44 am	sigh well its christmas day...or the day after christmas..since its 12 44, but anyway, bridgets still mad at me. its all very unsettling when the girl who was holdin ur hand is now usin the same hands to rip ur heart apart. she says were gnna break up and everyone should get use to usnot being together....but then she still loves me and doesnt wanna be with anyone else but me...shes been so mean to me this past week n a half and i guess i deserve it but i think now all its doing is just beatin a dead horse...im afraid to even talk to her cause all she does now is curse me out and say how shes sick of me and wants to break up, but she still has friggin feelins for me cause she even said we would get back together eventually..i dunno its all confusing and upsetting....this was suppose to be the best chirstmas ever, i had gotten her such wonderful things...the one gift i got her is so special and its from the bottom of my heart but its hard to give someone who hates u a gift from ur heart...sigh she used to cry and just say how much she loves me and she would never leave me, now she wants nothing to do with me all cause i missed her too much and went nutz cause she said that her hair was more important then me...i dont think she meant it like that but she said it like that and it hurt me so bad that i lost it...ok so she has every right to be mad at me but this far to destroy me completly? how do u just say that the person they wanted to marry and went away with and countlessly told them u loved them to death just say to u that "were only 16" and that they dont need u and that they are so sick of u...how could u possibly mean that? after everything, its like she doesnt even have a soul anymore...she has a right to be mad but now all this is doing is destroying me completely...i never do anyhting like this to her, never ever, not over somtin like this, swhen she lied to me about thosue things i wanted to have a break but that girl was crying and askin for forgivness and i just couldnt do it and i saw what she meant to me and i forgave her, even after she blew me off when all i wanted to do was talk about how my grandpa died and i was weepin on the phone and all she said was "i dont wanna talk about it" i stll ended up forgivin her, for all thouse time we would hang out with everyone and i did absoutly nothing to her and she would be so mean to me the entire night just cause she was havin a bad day, i forgave her, and now just cause im too emotional for her she needs a break and feels the need to send me into the deepest depression ive ever been in in my entire life and she doesnt care at all...she just stays mad at me...im afraid to contact her cause all im gonna get is a onslaught of hurtful words...after all the times we went away, and went out, and all the things we got each other, shes throwin me away like i meant nothing to her, deep down i know she doesnt mean all thouse nasty things...she cant possibly mean it, not after all we been through...but now i dont even know, what if she does mean it? ill loose the best thing in my entire life and go back to being misrable again...rejection is the worst thing to feel, especially after ebing so involved with someone who u wanna spend ur life with, as riciulous as it sounds at the age of 16, thats what she means to me...now all i am is garbage to her...she doesnt wanna end it forever but what shes doing to me is wrecking me, if she could just say nicly that she needs time but she loves me and still wants me but just wants a break and not yell at me and curse me out about what i did which i feel already awful for, and not tell me how sick she is of me and how she cant stand me and how she wants to end it...sigh it all doesnt make sense, i dont even know if shes gonna want to be with me again, shes been sayin 8 diffrent things and i dunno anymore, i wanna still be with her but what shes dong to me now is too much, i know what i did was wrong but i didnt go to the length of havin who is suppose to be the love of her life tell her that the person she wanted to be with forever was sick of her and didnt want anyhtng to do with her...i got mad fine, it was dumb...i didnt set out to destroy her..not like shes doing to me right now, now im so afraid of her its not even funny, i jump when the phone rings and when shes online and get scared, i feel like i gotta talk to her but i cant anymore, i dont wanna talkt o her anymore...not till shes done being mad at me and wants to stop this break and go back to normal, all i get is a world of hurt when i try to make things right again...all so very unsettling...i really do love her, i cant just not love that girl after all we been through...and its hard for me to swallow she just doesnt want me anymore after what we been through...i guess im just no good at being a boyfriend..i was always afraid she expected more from me, and she said that i was the best boyfriend ever, but i apparently am not, im just one pathetic lump of crap, i never had a gf before and all i did was fuck up the best thing i ever had, now im back to where i started...alone..tired..and sad, she said we swould get back togethe reventually but then keeps sayin things like she sick of me....i dont even know if she wants me back..i dont wanna sit around and wait for her to tell me she doesnt love me anymore and that she fond someone better then me, i dont wanna sit around and wait for her to tell me that its over and she never wants to see me or have anyhting to do with me ever again...if she doesnt want me then ill find someone who does...but i dont want anyone else but her right now...she still is the love of my life...even though she took my out of her profile now, even though she hates me now...i still love her and its hard to change the way u feel about someone so quick after suck a intimate and serious reltionship...but none of what im sayin matters, whether im upset or not doesnt change the fact that bridget hates me and wants nothing to do with me at the moment...a break was best for us but i didnt want it like this..sigh i guess the only thing i wanted today for chirstmas was for her to call me and be ready to kiss and make up and go back to normal...but no...mabey shell change her tune by new years...i hope...i shouldnt be all emo about this but its so hard to let go of her so soon over somtin like this...i just cant let her go just yet, i cant be like "well whatever, its over gonna go find soemone else now" i cant do that yet, its not that easy just to give up someone who stil might want u sih all very unsettling...well..merry christmas everyone, i hope u all had a better christmas then im havin peace Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: David Bowie - Pressure (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
10:55 am	meh well bridgets still mad at me, but i stop caring. i dont care anymore that she "wants a break" or she "wants to break up" im not gonna get myself all upset over this, she still loves me right? she said she doesnt wannna be with anyone else right? i stop caring yesterday when i realized i was fuckin crying cause she said the meanist shit to me on sunday. i siad fuck it man, shes bein stubborn now, shes made me feel likee breakin up with her countless of times but ya know what? i forgave her cause i love her to death and she said she was sorry when i told her about it. ok so i shouldnt have flipped out on her, but when ur angry, ur angry, what do u expect from me? im only human, i called her crying apologizing on sunday basically, but that didnt give, she just said "WERE ONLY 16 JON" and "WEVE BEEN GOING OUT TOO LONG" and she said she didnt miss me at all which is bullshit and she knows it. shes just real pissed at me that shes gonna be so mean, so im gonna stop tryin to make up, ill call her tommarow cause its christmas eve and see if shes ready to make up, cuase shes takin this i think a tad to far now, c;mon, me n her love each other so much, i mean this isnt that serious what i did, ok so i upset her, but she upset me a whole lotta other times too, i mean shes made fun of me and yelled at me at my worst times. things i couldnt help but she did it anyway, ok so i did that to her this last week but she was being mean to me about it "what do u wanna talk about anyway? what so important" how bout im ur bf and we talk to each other, thats the name of the game, i dont need a topic everytime i call her ya know? were not gonna break up, no way, she wants her space? fine, its so close to christmas and she wants to keep beatin this thing into the ground, i apologized 50 times, i called her crying, im tryin to get her last christmas gift still, she wont let off it. she just kept yellin even though i feel terrible about it, so fuck it, im not gonna care anymore, i love her so much but how much can u love somone when all they do is try to hurt u? i mean i dont wanna leave her at all, not after all we been through, i mean i foud a way to forgive her for lying to me about thouse things, and i was really really upset but i didnt not talk to her or be mena to her, im never really "mean" to her, i get upset and yell, i dont go "Weve been going out for too long" "its all ur fault" whatever, i mean ok so it may be my fault but i still had a reason for doing it, i shouldnt have gotten upset and i apologized and been givin her her space but how long is she gonna keep this up? she doesnt wanna be with anyone else but me so why should i get all upset over this? she wants to be mad at me fine, i said i was sorry, i cried like 50 times this week really badly and i realized why am i doing this? shes the one mad at me, she wont show me sympathy even after all thouse times she was so mean to me and i forgave her? fine let the baby have her bottle, im not gonna keep apologizing to somone who doesnt care what u have to say. im done with the apology shit, im sorry still with this whole thing but sunday she was really mean to me and all i wanna do is make peace again, i mean i know were not gonna break up, that girl, even after all the times she was so mean to me when i didnt do anything to her, i still wanna be with her, cause theres been so much good, and a lil bad, and every relationship has its down points of course when i tell bridget this she says "DONT DO THIS JON, DONT SAY THAT, YA SEE" so whatever, she knows she loves me, and i know damn well shes been sleepin with that dog i gave her, she said she wasnt but that girl doesnt let that thing out of her site, she also said she doesnt miss me, like thats a lie if i ever heard it, i know shes thinkin about me right now, and everytime she watches a movie she misses my dumb jokes, or me holdin her, or me just doin stupd things that make her smile and laugh, that girl countlessly turned to me crying and sayin shell enevr leave me and that she loves me, now what i did may have been bad but it wasnt ABSOULTLY terrible that we gotta end it, if i cheated on her then ok, if i beat her with a shovel then ok, if i killed her dog and lit her house on fire and stole her tv then ya, but me just gettin upset about somtin? ok so i went overboard but how long she gonna drag this thing out? theres no one else she wants to be with but me, and chirstmas is in 2 days, so how mad could she possibly be after not talkin to me for a week? i love that girl with all my heart, but if im just gonna get yelled at for apoogizing then forget it, shell come around soon, im definatly callin her tommarow since its christmas eve and i dont want this going on during christmas, c;mon, i love her and she loves me, dont u think its time to end this whole "not talkin" thing? i learned my lesson, ill try to keep it calm, ill do it for her, but if shes gonna be mean to me when i call her crying trying to make up then im not gonna care anymore about it, i wanna hang out with her tommarow and im sure once we hang out well be fine, we havent hung out in a while now, been 4 weeks now, hopfully shell be ready to make up tommarow im just gonna be liek "look im done apologizing, u know im sorry, theres nothing else i can do, its christmas eve, we both love each other, cant we kiss and make up? c'mon its christmas eve for christ sake, can we stop this? i know u miss me and dont say u dont, and u dont wanna break up with me, cant we just end this? u know u love me, and i love u so much, and we both miss each other, why are we doin this to ourselves? u cant be THAT mad at me now" well see how that goes, if she still says "NO I WANNA BREAK UP BUT I STILL LOVE U" then whatever, if she wants to end 1 year and 2 months over somtin like this then its not worth all of this heart ack, plus she needs me no matter anyway ya look at it. and i need her too, i can see past all the times shes been mad at me or lied to me and been real mean to me, i can forgive her for everything in time, why? cause that girl means the world to me and god damnit im not about to loose her yet, if we were to break up i wanted it to be mutal "its time to end it" but obviously if she does love me and wanna be with me but needs a "break" then its obvious she doesnt wanna break up, sure shell say that to me, but she also mega pissed at me she told sean she didnt wanna breka up, and of course shell tell me she does and when i asked her about shes like "WELL THAT WAS LAST WEEK" now i know thats bullshit, she wants to be with me as much as i wanna be with her, why she wants to keep this going on is beyound me, im gonna take her back, i cant not take that girl back, but if she wants to play hardball then fine, i love that girl too much to just loose her now but ive done everything i can and she wont budge, were gonna be together probly by the end of the week, cause how mad can u be at someone that u love as much as she loves me? not too long, its the break and this is the best time i can see her, so hopfully shell come around soon, as for now, ill try to make peace tommarow, well see how that goes...cause i do love that girl to death, id die for her, well not right now lol not after sunday, but ill forgive her for that, like as she would forgive me for this, so bridget if ur eadin this, i love u, but cant we end this? c;mon its the holiday season, dont u wanna see ur jonny for christmas? ;) not to mention our other "anniversary" is comin up ;);) well im out see ya Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: the glorious sound of the computer (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 18th, 2003
10:39 pm	uh oh Well some shit has gone down, bridget isnt talkin to me now...yea i fucked up big time...sigh i miss her and i really love her, i guess she wont break up with me after all we been through but im still upset bout this whole thing...she said she would call me when she wasnt mad anymore or somtin liek that..well that was monday, its thursday now so im just crossin my fingers here...i just read her dead journal through to the first thing she ever wrote about me and i just miss her more...i dont even care about wahtever i got mad at her about anymore..i just want her back and everyhting back to normal..i hope she calls me before saterday so i can see her this week :(, christmas is coming soon and i gotta get her last present...even if she does break up with me im gonna give her her presents anyway...she can have em as a reminder of me i guess...i mean i know she wont dump me but if she does ya know? whatever, i hope she doesnt, i guess u dont realize what u got till its gone, i hope she feels the same about me...i wanna tell her why i got so mad and i wanna give ehr a really good apology and make it up to her but right now the only thing i can give her is time...she doesnt wanna talkt o me at all and i cant call her or nothing..its been drivin me nutz not knowing if shes feelin ok since shes been sick for the past few weeks and i havent seen her really since before thanksgiving...i just want everything back to normal, i want her back in my arms...i mean people tell me im too young to be caring about love and that if its over to not care but me n her been through alot, i mean alot more then any average high school couple...to see it all end now over a series of dumb fights would be terrible, its all my fault too, ok so she drives me nutz too, that will happen when u know soemone for that long, but i cant help but love her, even when she can be real mean to me at times, and even though that annoys me...in the end i dont care, i tell her about it and shell say shes sorry and its all good, i dont like to keep stuff like that bottled up to annoy me so it comes out as somtin else, but this week i did wrong with her, i shouldnt have been so angry at her..i mean she was sick and it wasnt her fault she couldnt talk to me or see me, i jsut got jealous when she was on th ephone with meagan and not me, and i understand now all to well that meagan needed her more then me..it was a selfish thing for me to do and i just hope she knows how sorry i am...i cant see us not together at all, esepciall with christmas so close...ive been going nutz, ive been a emotional mess without her, ive been cryin here then i was like "ok ur fine relax she isnt gona break upw ith u" and so forth, sigh, i just want her back and i dont care anymore about anyhting else, the only way ive been keepin myself to not get all upset about it is tryin to keep busy...ive been smokin more then i usally do also, durin school now so i can relax and focus more on what im doing...im not running away from my problem but at this point its out of my hands..i know bridget loves me as much as i love her and shell call me soon...i know she will...but i guess we both needed a bit of time alone know what i mean? i guess i was gettin too crazy on her but i just felt like she was pushin me to the side...i dunno somtimes she does things that bother me but hey i do things that bother her too, it happens like i said...but we were meant for each other..without her im just a wreck..i hope the stuffed animal dog i gave her helps my cause...and the law n order dvd set...and that picture we got in alantic city and that one at the mall when im not lookin at the camera lol sigh...well bridget if u happened to be readin this...im sorry and i love u and i miss u...but when ur ready call me again and i can give u ur christmas gifts :)...im not loosin hope yet..i know shell call me, i hope...well as emo as this has been ive said all i got to say...i just want her back as badly as a racoon who doesnt..wanna...die...on the road...and get hit..by a truck?...well i just want her back badly, i hope i can make it right, im willing to watch whatever movie she wants, even that mona lisa smiles movie that reeks chick flix all over it, but im pretty sure well be in each others arms again before u know it..i guess all she needs now is time...well thanks for hearin me out whoever u are, i love u bridget and goodnight Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Pink Floyd - Sheep (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 12th, 2003
10:58 pm	Welcome to the stage of history whats today sunday? well today was cool, bridget came over..we went to the sante fe grill again, that place is ok, i shouldnt have ordered anyhting considering i ate but what ya gonna do? ive been sick this past weekend, i feel better today just alot of coughing. yesterday i got high with everyone, it was the first FULL temporary saterdaty tradtion (friday tradition will return after foosball) it included all the memebers, new and old. Me, Matt, Mike, Evan, Jim, Sean, Bobby, Paul. although since i was sick it kinda sucked. friday i smoked with bobby and mike in my gazebo...then bridget came over that night..i felt like crap..and yet i had sex. ^_^ the weekend before i went away with bridget to alantic city...let me tell u my girlfriend is sexy..WHAT DOES HE MEAN u may ask, im not saying, SHWING. anyway i still have to do my fuckin term paper...due wensday, lets here it for laziness. so thats about it...to be all LJ typical, i just gotta say bridget is the best thing that ever happened to me, even better when i found out that my penis is used for more then one purpose. did i mention she got me a god dman gamecube!? no i dont think so...she must really love me :) well....thats that NIGHT! OMG LOL OMG LOL OMG LOL OMG LOL GB!? Current Mood: horny Current Music: David Bowie - Thursday's Child (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 11th, 2003
9:18 pm	school well schools started and yea. 9/11 was today too HAPPY 9/11, but moving along. so far schools be cool, computer science is awsome and what not. i took a nap today so that was cool, well thats basiclaly all i got Current Music: Bill Joel - Blond Over Blue (Comment on this)